With lips and tongue of pallor content
her anxiousness dressed in a outfit of contempt
She smiles in mockery
As her incessant need
is that to feed
So my willful purpose
is meant to bleed
and although the image of her possessed
is old faded
and haphazardly dressed
her fangs so sharp
reveal the nothingness
her eyes so intimately address
oh bring upon me
such self felt sorrow
i can wear it with reason
And persuade it with meaning
ascend upon my longing neck
such a letcherous mouth
lips alive with anticipation
teeth prescribed to serve a purpose
reveal to me
your utmost weakness
and drink from me without remorse
extinguish the blaze
that burns from depths down in
as I relax in self indulgence
close my eyes
and go within
Thoughts of having made better choices a long the way will always pull at what you think, do and say.. The want may never fade or the dream of the new day but the note it plays is not as loud as the loss of having less, reminds you of a child wearing a second owned dress.
Nothing lasts forever so what ever this life is will come to an end as the beckoning to a higher cause will be layed to rest with that final pause.
I may not be able to turn it off but I will only be here for a little while and the drums will fade as the sunrise will no longer start the clock of a new day. Poems, letters, works of art will be saved from the sages to the dusk of another sun falling. Tomorrow isn’t owned to anyones need as it lives to its own calling.
All of us, look to today as our own to fill a pouch that will never have to much but we are only a idea trying to be something we can not even touch.
I was stopping by a clients house yesterday morning I have done some work on and as I was passing through his back yard I noticed a Raccoon that was trapped in a cage that was set last night as the yard has been trampled by them lately.
Well it was around 9am when I saw him which means he has been there for sometime and as I passed him my heart felt his energy and I looked into his eyes and saw a child afraid of what was to come. That unknown that seemed ominous to him as he was in a place he could not escape and his autonomy was lost to the owner of his new cage.
As I went inside and spoke to the family about some buisiness I kept thinking of my new friend, scared in his confined space.
Before parting I asked my client if he would like me to take the raccoon in the cage and bring it into the woods some ways away. Which he agreed too.
Who knows why some feel or see more then others. When you do though it can feel at times like a tug of war. A battle in your heart to be okay with things you want to make right but whether you can or not seems like a fight between your conscience and your heart. Your heart speaks with out words or social acceptance were as your conscience is a scale balancing it all. Trying to find a way to do what feels right yet gives your sense of self worth a imaginary reward in thought.
As I loaded the cage into the jeep I could see in my new friends eyes a fear and loneliness of something he knew he was going to miss. I speak with words to my fuzzy friends but I know it’s what comes from that Chakra in my heart that they understand and I focus that like my third eye and give them what I feel which I see is all I really can.
As pulled along side a thin stretch of woods by a riverside I set the cage facing the woods of his new home and as I opened the door I said “Ilove you and good bye” without words but instead a feeling I don’t own but am able to convey from a place that connects me to were everything is one.
He didn’t run away. In fact he never made a noise the whole time we were together. It reminded me of myself facing a scary fate and knowing nothing I can say will do any good so words aren’t worth the thought they think they own.
I saw myself in him and felt like a failure for not being able to do what he wanted which was to be set free in the yard and reunited with his mother who had sat beside the cage he was in for a few hours at dawn. Which the client had told me about. If I want to be saved and I can’t save my fuzzy little friend and all I have is empty words then what good am I.
“Vows are spoken to be broken, feeling are intense words are trivial, pleasures remain so does the pain, words are meaningless and forgettable. All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms. Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm” Depeche Mode, Enjoy The Silence
So as my scared new friend slowly stepped out of his cage and into a foriegn home I couldn’t help watch him take those slow steps and feel what he was feeling walking into the unknown. I felt guilty for taking him from his home and making walk through fear to create a new home for him to own. I see it as my own fear walking through the dark. It doesn’t matter whether it is day or night as the unknown doesn’t live in a shadow of the sun or a reflection of the moon. It is everything that is and letting go of that minuscule world I think I own to become one with all that is, is a fear of letting go to what I know which by my nature is something I don’t want to do. Even though I see the road to take and can behold the wealth of stepping into the unknown it’s still something “I” don’t want to do as all “I” wants is to know and save myself and anyone else from the fear of letting go.
“I’m the man in the box, won’t you come and save me, save me. He who tries will be wasted, feed me eyes now you’ve sewn them shut. I’m the dog that gets beat, won’t you come and save me, save me” Man In The Box, Alice N Chains
My Blog has been a way for me to look in the mirror and see myself in words. A way to take the intangible of what I experience and reduce that blur of reflection to words that attempt to mean something.
The only problem with anything “meaning” something is it puts a period on a experience in life. As though “I Know” what that experience means. Once “I Know” I am stopping my ability “to be” the infinity of life. That process that keeps unfolding. By knowing I cut off the connection to infinity and create a box of understanding my thinking lets me live in. That finite box is a cage that I am trapped in by my “knowing”.
So why would I create a cage of thought? I ask myself. To me, that is duality. My cross to bear. My inability to live outside my minds desire to build a castle of thought that will eventually collapse on its own foundation. That thought of meaning that “I think” lives in me, doesn’t live. It’s only a projector on a screen that is seen as long as the image in my mind continues to show it. Once it stops either consciously or in death, my thought is no more.. What ever isn’t real dies and what ever is real never dies. “And so castles made of sand, fall into the sea eventually” Jimi Hendrix, Castles Made Of Sand
That idea of the death of “I am”, The ego that lives in a thought, seems cruel to itself. No matter how long that thought of I am has experienced itself it lives in fear because it knows it isn’t real and it will die and what is real will be. As is if a leaf had consciousness, it would “think” itself to be dying when the fall began to turn it brown. Only, however, till it dies does it become aware that it isn’t a leaf, it is the tree, the roots, the earth, the sea and all of “what is” is what it is. That leaf that thought it knew itself created a box of thought to experience itself in and in that thought it could feel the love of creation that everything is made of. In that thought, however, lives a death of knowing that creates a fear to overcome and a need to ” let go”, of the thought that creates the I am it thinks itself in. “Cause if nothing is the way it seems, then this life is just a haunted dream. And all this love is just falling down through the years. He says I think of the beauty I’ve had and all it does is make me feel so sad. First they make you think your riding high then they toss you off in the Sky and this love is just falling down through the years” Steve Winwood, Judgement Day
. It can be quite easy to undervalue or overvalue yourself and when you are on either side of that juggernaut the opposite side of that perspective is quite easily ignored.
To tell a narscistic ego driven mind to let go of that and move toward a more humble residing is looked at from the narscissist perspectiveas a insult. Where as someone who suffers from a lack of self confidence and dejected self perspective sees the advice from someone to embrace themself with a sense of confidence and self appreciation is taken in a manor that makes them feel like they do not deserve it and it comes across to them as being intangible and a empty compliment.
Finding a solution to the problem is a matter of awareness and that change of awareness usually comes to us in a manner that is looked at as being “bad”. Our awareness unfolds to us in life in a way though, that often is hidden in the experience of what seems like defeat. So the narcissistic feeling a sense of being rejected is the making of his perceived problem being a stepping stone to humility. For the person who lacks confidence or a somewhat useful narcissism, the challenge in life’s hurdles creates the struggle to achieve which is the pathway for a sense of accomplishment which in turn creates self confidence. So in looking at the two it’s easy to see how the antidote for one type of perspective is the poison that creates the other, humility/confidence.
A sense of moderation of either is needed to deal with life in a functional way that serves our material world and the spiritual side of us. Finding that moderation in us is not a simple process as it is our thinking that creates the lack of moderation and attempting to look at how you think is not as simple as it appears. It is a burden of our making.
“Close your eyes and bow your head, I need a little sympathy, cause fear is strong and love’s for everyone, who isn’t me. So kill your health and kill yourself, and kill everything you love. And if you live you can fall to peaces and suffer with my ghost. Just a burden in my hand. Just a anchor on my heart. Just a tumor in my head. And I’m in the dark” Sound Garden, Burden In My Hand.
So the riddle of solution to the egomaniac or the defeatistis is hidden in the initial creation of either perspective which is the childhood development. So either personality type is the child in the adult reacting to life and observing ourself in that way we can see the actions in a objective manner as being childish, that objective perspective can allows to use the appropriate antidote to heal ourself and not allow the feelings created in our childhood to control us. Objectively seeing ourself in that manner allows us to treat those foundational building blocks with in us.
That foundation of personality is built on the bedrock of our identity. Replacing or reshaping that bedrock is not a simple task and it becomes much more practical to see the goal as a work in progress. That outlook of achievement is the something that gives the undervalued ego a feeling of accomplishment that builds self worth and the egomaniac a sense of seeing their glaring self confidence in a dimmer light.
It is not until we find a way to see life outside the box of good and bad that we are given the tools we need to escape our own limitations. It is that challenge of the ego finding a way to see the good in the bad and the bad in the good that develops a pathway for either to help themself.
Much like The Wizard of Oz and how the Tin Man, The Scarecrow, The Lion and Dorothy all found the answers to their problems in their journey, so do we in our journey. The path of our life is the destination. We are were we need to be.
“Where you are is the starting point” Kabir
In a collective sense we in society judge one another on a scale measured by our success and our mistakes. We look at each other and ourselves at times as the better we are, the less mistakes we make. Yet we often have more depth and ability to navigate through life because of what we learn from our mistakes.
What if “the bad” causes us to be reflective instead of depressed or self defeating. What if in that self reflection we became aware of something we didn’t know that gives us a awareness we didn’t have before. The “bad” then may not be so bad. That bad, suffering or Dukkha might be what allows us to see past the illusion. The crack in the thinking that wants to understand.
Seeing how “understabding” reality is merely a perception and what we intrinsictly are is far more then anything we can comprehend is seeing our limitation and not being stuck in a thought that wants to know itself and instead is what frees us of the perception of reality our mind creates that traps us in the “I am” we think we are. It’s thinking what we are that creates the perceptio of “I am” and escaping the thinking that creates our limitation is what lets us see “the I am that I am”.
So our “broken” is the window to our connection to God or the ability of the finite to embrace infinity. Our “broken” is what allows us to not be limited to a God of our understanding but freed of our understanding to a God of what we don’t know.
It is because of not knowing, that we cannot embrace God without taking a step of Faith which is by its own meaning something we do that is not of our understanding. Our faith is the action we take without knowing. It’s more then us and because of that it frees ourself of ourself and that is only achieved through our suffering or Dukkha. If it wasn’t for the suffering we would not take that step of faith . Suffering allows us to become more then what we think.
So our mistake then is what allows us to not be limited to ourself but be freed to more then ourself. It’s judging ourself by our wealth, achievement and accomplishment that creates the hell of our own making.
“Some people are waiting to die to find heaven. If you don’t find heaven Now, you never will find Heaven.” Joseph Campbell