With lips and tongue of pallor content
her anxiousness dressed in a outfit of contempt
She smiles in mockery
As her incessant need
is that to feed
So my willful purpose
is meant to bleed
and although the image of her possessed
is old faded
and haphazardly dressed
her fangs so sharp
reveal the nothingness
her eyes so intimately address
oh bring upon me
such self felt sorrow
i can wear it with reason
And persuade it with meaning
ascend upon my longing neck
such a letcherous mouth
lips alive with anticipation
teeth prescribed to serve a purpose
reveal to me
your utmost weakness
and drink from me without remorse
extinguish the blaze
that burns from depths down in
as I relax in self indulgence
close my eyes
and go within
I was stopping by a clients house yesterday morning I have done some work on and as I was passing through his back yard I noticed a Raccoon that was trapped in a cage that was set last night as the yard has been trampled by them lately.
Well it was around 9am when I saw him which means he has been there for sometime and as I passed him my heart felt his energy and I looked into his eyes and saw a child afraid of what was to come. That unknown that seemed ominous to him as he was in a place he could not escape and his autonomy was lost to the owner of his new cage.
As I went inside and spoke to the family about some buisiness I kept thinking of my new friend, scared in his confined space.
Before parting I asked my client if he would like me to take the raccoon in the cage and bring it into the woods some ways away. Which he agreed too.
Who knows why some feel or see more then others. When you do though it can feel at times like a tug of war. A battle in your heart to be okay with things you want to make right but whether you can or not seems like a fight between your conscience and your heart. Your heart speaks with out words or social acceptance were as your conscience is a scale balancing it all. Trying to find a way to do what feels right yet gives your sense of self worth a imaginary reward in thought.
As I loaded the cage into the jeep I could see in my new friends eyes a fear and loneliness of something he knew he was going to miss. I speak with words to my fuzzy friends but I know it’s what comes from that Chakra in my heart that they understand and I focus that like my third eye and give them what I feel which I see is all I really can.
As pulled along side a thin stretch of woods by a riverside I set the cage facing the woods of his new home and as I opened the door I said “Ilove you and good bye” without words but instead a feeling I don’t own but am able to convey from a place that connects me to were everything is one.
He didn’t run away. In fact he never made a noise the whole time we were together. It reminded me of myself facing a scary fate and knowing nothing I can say will do any good so words aren’t worth the thought they think they own.
I saw myself in him and felt like a failure for not being able to do what he wanted which was to be set free in the yard and reunited with his mother who had sat beside the cage he was in for a few hours at dawn. Which the client had told me about. If I want to be saved and I can’t save my fuzzy little friend and all I have is empty words then what good am I.
“Vows are spoken to be broken, feeling are intense words are trivial, pleasures remain so does the pain, words are meaningless and forgettable. All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms. Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm” Depeche Mode, Enjoy The Silence
So as my scared new friend slowly stepped out of his cage and into a foriegn home I couldn’t help watch him take those slow steps and feel what he was feeling walking into the unknown. I felt guilty for taking him from his home and making walk through fear to create a new home for him to own. I see it as my own fear walking through the dark. It doesn’t matter whether it is day or night as the unknown doesn’t live in a shadow of the sun or a reflection of the moon. It is everything that is and letting go of that minuscule world I think I own to become one with all that is, is a fear of letting go to what I know which by my nature is something I don’t want to do. Even though I see the road to take and can behold the wealth of stepping into the unknown it’s still something “I” don’t want to do as all “I” wants is to know and save myself and anyone else from the fear of letting go.
“I’m the man in the box, won’t you come and save me, save me. He who tries will be wasted, feed me eyes now you’ve sewn them shut. I’m the dog that gets beat, won’t you come and save me, save me” Man In The Box, Alice N Chains
. It can be quite easy to undervalue or overvalue yourself and when you are on either side of that juggernaut the opposite side of that perspective is quite easily ignored.
To tell a narscistic ego driven mind to let go of that and move toward a more humble residing is looked at from the narscissist perspectiveas a insult. Where as someone who suffers from a lack of self confidence and dejected self perspective sees the advice from someone to embrace themself with a sense of confidence and self appreciation is taken in a manor that makes them feel like they do not deserve it and it comes across to them as being intangible and a empty compliment.
Finding a solution to the problem is a matter of awareness and that change of awareness usually comes to us in a manner that is looked at as being “bad”. Our awareness unfolds to us in life in a way though, that often is hidden in the experience of what seems like defeat. So the narcissistic feeling a sense of being rejected is the making of his perceived problem being a stepping stone to humility. For the person who lacks confidence or a somewhat useful narcissism, the challenge in life’s hurdles creates the struggle to achieve which is the pathway for a sense of accomplishment which in turn creates self confidence. So in looking at the two it’s easy to see how the antidote for one type of perspective is the poison that creates the other, humility/confidence.
A sense of moderation of either is needed to deal with life in a functional way that serves our material world and the spiritual side of us. Finding that moderation in us is not a simple process as it is our thinking that creates the lack of moderation and attempting to look at how you think is not as simple as it appears. It is a burden of our making.
“Close your eyes and bow your head, I need a little sympathy, cause fear is strong and love’s for everyone, who isn’t me. So kill your health and kill yourself, and kill everything you love. And if you live you can fall to peaces and suffer with my ghost. Just a burden in my hand. Just a anchor on my heart. Just a tumor in my head. And I’m in the dark” Sound Garden, Burden In My Hand.
So the riddle of solution to the egomaniac or the defeatistis is hidden in the initial creation of either perspective which is the childhood development. So either personality type is the child in the adult reacting to life and observing ourself in that way we can see the actions in a objective manner as being childish, that objective perspective can allows to use the appropriate antidote to heal ourself and not allow the feelings created in our childhood to control us. Objectively seeing ourself in that manner allows us to treat those foundational building blocks with in us.
That foundation of personality is built on the bedrock of our identity. Replacing or reshaping that bedrock is not a simple task and it becomes much more practical to see the goal as a work in progress. That outlook of achievement is the something that gives the undervalued ego a feeling of accomplishment that builds self worth and the egomaniac a sense of seeing their glaring self confidence in a dimmer light.
It is not until we find a way to see life outside the box of good and bad that we are given the tools we need to escape our own limitations. It is that challenge of the ego finding a way to see the good in the bad and the bad in the good that develops a pathway for either to help themself.
Much like The Wizard of Oz and how the Tin Man, The Scarecrow, The Lion and Dorothy all found the answers to their problems in their journey, so do we in our journey. The path of our life is the destination. We are were we need to be.
“Where you are is the starting point” Kabir
In a collective sense we in society judge one another on a scale measured by our success and our mistakes. We look at each other and ourselves at times as the better we are, the less mistakes we make. Yet we often have more depth and ability to navigate through life because of what we learn from our mistakes.
What if “the bad” causes us to be reflective instead of depressed or self defeating. What if in that self reflection we became aware of something we didn’t know that gives us a awareness we didn’t have before. The “bad” then may not be so bad. That bad, suffering or Dukkha might be what allows us to see past the illusion. The crack in the thinking that wants to understand.
Seeing how “understabding” reality is merely a perception and what we intrinsictly are is far more then anything we can comprehend is seeing our limitation and not being stuck in a thought that wants to know itself and instead is what frees us of the perception of reality our mind creates that traps us in the “I am” we think we are. It’s thinking what we are that creates the perceptio of “I am” and escaping the thinking that creates our limitation is what lets us see “the I am that I am”.
So our “broken” is the window to our connection to God or the ability of the finite to embrace infinity. Our “broken” is what allows us to not be limited to a God of our understanding but freed of our understanding to a God of what we don’t know.
It is because of not knowing, that we cannot embrace God without taking a step of Faith which is by its own meaning something we do that is not of our understanding. Our faith is the action we take without knowing. It’s more then us and because of that it frees ourself of ourself and that is only achieved through our suffering or Dukkha. If it wasn’t for the suffering we would not take that step of faith . Suffering allows us to become more then what we think.
So our mistake then is what allows us to not be limited to ourself but be freed to more then ourself. It’s judging ourself by our wealth, achievement and accomplishment that creates the hell of our own making.
“Some people are waiting to die to find heaven. If you don’t find heaven Now, you never will find Heaven.” Joseph Campbell
addiction, Attachment, Awakening, awareness, Buddhism, Desire, Duality, emotion, Emotion resentment, Enlightenment, forgiveness, hope, Inspirational, love, motivational, Non duality, Pain fear, Peace. Tranquility
“Who are You. cause I really want to know I know there is a place you walked Where love falls from trees. My heart is a broken cup. I only feel right on my knees I spit out like a sewer hole Yet still recieve your kiss. How can I measure up to anyone know After such a love as this. Come on tell me Who are you Cause I really want to know” The Who, Who Are You
If my mind is not capable of understanding “What is” which is everything, and it’s quite obvious the mind doesn’t know everything. On the contrary, the mind is a cartoon trying to create a understanding of what it can never know. So the words we use to know reality, ourselves or the life we live is pretty much pointless. If you can conceptualize that inability we have in using our mind to know sonething we never can then you can see that the best we ever can know of what we are and what life is, is meaningless.
What ever we think we are is the same as a grain of sand compared to the making of a desert. It is irrelevant. Yet even though it is irrelevant the mind in its own nature wants to know.
The mind is so reality can be percieved. Most scientist will tell you that reality is only contingent upon our own observation of it. So reality is a illusion of merely what we think. That prism of reflection is the ghost in the mirror. It is a idea looking at what it wants to know but never can. That observation gives “everythig” a reflection of itself. It is the mirror that lets “what is” which is “everything” see itself.
In that obscure perspective of seeing what you can never know is why we are broken. That “broken” is not a thought of good or bad. It is what allows Love or God to see itself.
So a conceptual identity is not real. Instead it is the shadow wanting to be what it is the shadow of or the reflectiom in the mirror wanting to be the image it’s reflecting. That is why the mind lives in fear. The mind wants to “be” which it never can. That is our deepest fear. Our inability to let go of that conceptual understanding and be the intrinsic nature of who we are that is not known to us in a understanding of thought Is our deepest fear.
So as I fall to my knees in my “brokenness” I can use that “broken” to see what the mind obscures in thought.
“Ashes to Ashes Funk to funky We know major Tom 4 a junkie Strung out in Heavens High Headed for a all-time low Time and again I tell myself I will stay clean tonight But the little green wheels are following me Oh no, not again I’m stuck with a valuable friend” David Bowie, Ashes To Ashes
So as I ask myself why I’m broken, the understanding is beyond the mind or thought. As it is necessary to be broken from the minds perspective to escape the cage that “knowing” traps us in. So my “broken” is a crack in the glass that lets me see through what I want to know. By looking to see and not know I can “be” and in being I can point at what I see. So what I write is not what I know. It is what I see. So if someone reads what I write and wants to know Instead of look at what the words are pointing at, it will make no sense to the mind as it’s not of the mind.
So my burden then can be my salvation and what I point at is seeing that there is no personal salvation. There is no you or I. We are all one. We is everything and as such if my mind, thought or ego looks to save itself it is lost to itself. The thought of “I” creates the cage that separates something from everything. The something is the shadow, the ego or the thoughts of “I am”. So as I live in a perception of thinking I can look to become “everything” which is my true nature and by letting go of what I think I am. I become what I am.
So as I look to save everything besides myself, I in turn save everything which is my true self. It then doesn’t matter what I or anyone else thinks. For by being concerned about what someone else thinks is as pointless as being concerned about what I think.
So courage then is to each of us to walk with our “brokenness” not as a crutch or a pity. It’s to look in it for our true nature. The everything that is behind the something we think we are. The same as the Sun and the Moon are in the sky regardless of whether we see them or not. As it is our mind that wants to judge ourself on what we or others think of us. Our faith or courage then is to be okay with ourself whether or not we “think” we are or aren’t okay.
“Oh let the Sun beat down upon my face Stars to fill my dream I’m a traveler of both time and space, to be where I have been To sit with elders of the gentle race, this world has seldom seen They talk of days for which they sit and wait and all will be revealed Talk and song from tounges of lifting grace, whose sounds caress my ear But not a word could I relate The story was quite clear” Led Zeppelin, Kashmir
We all think the reality we live. Some attempt to overcome the limitations of what we think and find an intelligence inside us that shows a reflection we experience outside of us. Others look at what they experience and the reality they perceive as who they are. What they think they are is what they believe they are. A reality externally based as opposed to an internally based reality. “I Am” as opposed to “The I Am That I Am”. The ego as opposed to the observer of the ego. The control as opposed to humility. To even comprehend this means you are drawn to an internal awareness. If not, you would only see the one side of the coin. The duality of life is all you would know. The good verses the bad. This does not make sense to an ego based individual. To see the non-duality that reflects the duality is the awakening or the transition from an unconscious reality to a conscious reality. The understanding that the thought is both a conscious voice and an unconscious reaction. To walk in utter conscious reality is a pointless topic to me. The idea of “no struggle” is a misnomer, as we all struggle between the two and if our existence has a purpose it is the struggle to be or become aware that allows awareness to be. Otherwise awareness would not be if there wasn’t a opposite to it. The dark allows the light. The hot the cold and so on. So if our struggle is to see the light. To walk a path to awareness then our struggle is not bad and awareness is not good. They each are so the other can be. Words only point in a direction and they don’t mean anything except to the person that wants to think they understand what it means. The one that doesn’t want to limit themselves to a understanding their mind wants to think it knows and would rather look to the path of a intelligence that creates life will then look to separate themselves from the thought that limits them. Words are used in many different ways to say the same thing from a different perspective. Words like anger, shenpa, attachment, fear, worry all are a thought in a desire to know a feeling we experience. We want to label it. Granted some words look to identify how a feeling affects us while others look to give the feeling an identity. Whatever way we define or interpret our feelings we can see how anger, depression, shenpa, worry and so on is our subconscious manifesting itself from a thought to an emotion. That awareness to look at our emotions as the physical expression of our subconscious can offer us the opportunity to address the subconscious we are often oblivious too. By seeing our external reaction to life we can take that and use it as a sign pointing inward to heal the worry, anger or fear. If we only look to fix the external conditions that manifest our internal or subconscious reality then we never fix the, so called problem. The subconscious then has no choice but to reinvent the “problem” in the same or another way. That, to me, is karma. Karma is not good or bad. Karma is what is and as long as we think over karma or “what is”, what is has no other choice but to express itself. “What Is” then is life. It is the intelligence that creates everything and as long as we label “what is” with a thought that limits it, the thought will limit us from the intelligence of life or God. Our pain, anger, shenpa or struggle is the path for us to search inside our self to discover the intelligence of life that allows us to overcome our thoughts that keep us trapped in a existence of good and bad, dark and light, warm and cold, hate and like That thing we can’t label or know is a peace beyond any understanding. The heaven in our hell. That then is the “reward” of letting go of what we think we know (good vs bad). To uncover beneath those thoughts the intelligence that is what we are. The ‘I AM’ that I am. The door from what I think to what I am. That step of looking in and not out is the action only we can take. No one can take away the thought we think that limits us to an identity of “I am”. Only we can look past the thought of “I Am” to be the “I am that I am”. So what am I to do now, you might ask yourself. That is the journey inside you that you walk alone. No-one can walk that path inside you, but you. The best anyone can do is offer their own experience to you and that can offer you the ability to see your own struggle in theirs. Some of us can find the path of letting go of the thoughts that limit is by faith alone. A unquestioning belief in a higher power offers the antidote. Some look at a scientific relationship to that intelligence in such areas as quantum physics and so on that show the intelligence hidden behind the thought that thinks it knows. Others can look at psychology and see how ideas like “engrams” which are ingrained memories often from our childhood have a stranglehold on us in our life. Keeping us locked in memories we can’t let go of. In my book “Digging Deep” I talk about addressing that ambiguous path we all will face when we step of out or our ego and look at ourself in a observing manner. Having the will to look for the answer is what will give us the answer. Seeing the fear, anger, depression in an observing manner and not becoming the anger, worry and fear is the path to walking through it. Most of us want to turn away from it or find something “good” to cover our “bad”. Pausing instead and walking into that feeling will give us the answer to letting go of it and becoming more than anything we can know. A peace from inside us that overshadows any impermanent feelings of happy or sad the external world can offer.