Today I am what I choose to be.
Today I choose to be okay
If I am okay, then everything is okay
If everything is okay, then I accept everything as it is
If God is everything and everything is God, then love must be a part of everything
I then am a vehicle of God to express what I am
I always had a draw to presence. It was not until after my divorce, that I pursued something I didn’t understand with a passion. I read inspirational and thought challenging works with a hungry appetite. I also was given a audio version of a book on the same topic that I listened to incessantly.
It was about two years after my divorce as I was driving my jeep on a coastal road when I looked to the right and in a instant I understood everything I had wanted to know.
As soon as it happened I said to myself I cant believe what I understand. I didn’t have any bright lights or loss of consciousness. I didn’t start crying or praising God. I didn’t know what was going on. I didnt know what to say to anyone or how to explain what happened. The only thing I knew was that the perception “I” had, had completely changed. “I” could see past “I” and I didn’t have a clue why or what to say about it to anyone. How do you explain to someone you know “I” doesnt exist and at the same time you understand how Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha and quite a few others are misunderstood and misrepresented, especially if your a recovering alcoholic/cocaine addict? You Don’t.
You feel lost as this illusion of “I” doesn’t exist without the torment of wanting. I just see the futility of it but am torn by the emotion that still responds to a tape recording of thought that hasn’t stopped.
I feel like a mistake. A emotion that knows the origin of his creation is a reflection on a mirror.
I spent awhile struggling in between the conflict of the two. Sounding and acting like a preacher one minute and a angry Mike Tyson the next.
I slowly reached a point when I dropped out and spent a year trying to turn it ( whatever it is) off. I then tried to kill myself unsuccessfully a few times.
I eventually gave up on both death and escape and subsequently have been fumbling, navigating between the two.
I can’t explain it but I can tell others are starting to see that something is not what it seems with me. I’m not talking about it or getting angry as much about it but I do have depression over being something that disconnects me to the ability to be on the same plane as most others. Some days I’m close to crying asking God why and other days i’m crying because it is so beautiful when the window opens up
My resentment is a thought. I project at someone that inspires contempt. I keep the emotion of contempt alive by thinking the thought that creates it.
I continually reinvent the emotion as I think about the resentment. So looking at the thought that creates the resentment is what allows it to live.
That thought leaves me a victim to the emotion.
That action is what affords me true forgiveness without judgement.
To judge someone as less than, inferior or immoral is not to forgive but rather think myself more worthy or better then them.
The whole construct of this supposed forgiveness is built on a foundation of resentment; so I walk with anger in forgiving, which is a lie to myself.
I do not hold forgiveness in my heart with judgement. Instead I walk with anger in my mind that I attempt to control.
To forgive is to let go of the thought that creates the emotion that allows the resentment.
Success is a thought that takes credit for life
but life already is the image of what the thought looks to be
the thought craves, strives, seeks and wants
But it is a shadow of “what is”
By following the shadow and wanting to become
we never arrive, because success isn’t anything that can ever be found
to take credit for what we think we are
Makes life; stale and dull, and us someone we don’t know
By judging our life on perceived rewards
Leaves us standing in the shade of what thought can never show
letting go of the need to arrive
lets us relax in the splendor of one sun
the one moment that can never begin or come to a end
the place were life is born without need to defend
And when we close our eyes
we pass through the glass that shows us the light
as we become what we have always been
Born of moisture, high in the sky
I soared over continents
on the breath of a haze
As stars twinkled and night began to fade
I have seen breathtaking horizons as I fall
Only to soar higher on the sigh of a sleeping volcanos wall
I’ve danced on mountain peaks as wisps of air made steps for a staircase and a slide
For me to climb, fall and glide
I stood with eagles on the lip of a draft as they guarded their claim
I’ve flown over valleys as wolves howled declaring their domain
I have been so fortunate to be a flake of snow
Watching life come and go
As I see the flake; I thought was me, begin to melt
I know something I have only felt
The beautiful snowflake isn’t who I am or something I can show
It’s a reflection of life being what I could never know
Their is nothing to fear
Their is nothing anybody can give you that will make you more then you already are
Their is nothing no-one can take from you to make you less then you are
Your happiness is a stream that flows inside you
You may not believe this but you are perfect
You are everything you could ever become
Their is nothing you need to get or receive to become who you yearn to be
Letting go of the fear that keeps you trapped in thought of who you think you and others are is the only thing you need to see
In seeing that, you are no longer a puppet to the worry, anxiety and hate that pulls your strings and keeps you trapped in a closet of need designing your fate