I always had a draw to presence. It was not until after my divorce, that I pursued something I didn’t understand with a passion. I read inspirational and thought challenging works with a hungry appetite. I also was given a audio version of a book on the same topic that I listened to incessantly.
It was about two years after my divorce as I was driving my jeep on a coastal road when I looked to the right and in a instant I understood everything I had wanted to know.
As soon as it happened I said to myself I cant believe what I understand. I didn’t have any bright lights or loss of consciousness. I didn’t start crying or praising God. I didn’t know what was going on. I didnt know what to say to anyone or how to explain what happened. The only thing I knew was that the perception “I” had, had completely changed. “I” could see past “I” and I didn’t have a clue why or what to say about it to anyone. How do you explain to someone you know “I” doesnt exist and at the same time you understand how Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha and quite a few others are misunderstood and misrepresented, especially if your a recovering alcoholic/cocaine addict? You Don’t.
You feel lost as this illusion of “I” doesn’t exist without the torment of wanting. I just see the futility of it but am torn by the emotion that still responds to a tape recording of thought that hasn’t stopped.
I feel like a mistake. A emotion that knows the origin of his creation is a reflection on a mirror.
I spent awhile struggling in between the conflict of the two. Sounding and acting like a preacher one minute and a angry Mike Tyson the next.
I slowly reached a point when I dropped out and spent a year trying to turn it ( whatever it is) off. I then tried to kill myself unsuccessfully a few times.
I eventually gave up on both death and escape and subsequently have been fumbling, navigating between the two.
I can’t explain it but I can tell others are starting to see that something is not what it seems with me. I’m not talking about it or getting angry as much about it but I do have depression over being something that disconnects me to the ability to be on the same plane as most others. Some days I’m close to crying asking God why and other days i’m crying because it is so beautiful when the window opens up