imageChapter Six
Came To Believe

“Came to believe that a power greater then ourself could restore us to sanity” Big Book AA
We can never escape the struggle, pain, fear, worry and regret. Those words only point at something. Because we say worry or anxiety we want to think we know what it is. We don’t know though. We just call it something and think of it in way that gives our mind a feeling of understanding. If you see that concept that I’m pointing at then you can see how you can’t “think” your way out of your mind, or fear… You have to walk through it with awareness, looking past it for something we don’t know. By looking for it and not thinking it, we are not trapped in a reflection that lives in a mirror of thought. Instead we become one with the river that runs through us all. The intelligence of creation.

“The river that flows in you also flows in me” Kabir

When you see it in that light you can see how the manifestation of our ego is a lie pretending to think itself real that causes us to live in fear as the ego will die. We however are not the ego or the reflection in the mirror. We are what is before the thought that thinks it is. We are not the image in the mirror. We are, what is, before it. The reflection is a ghost that THINKS it is alive.
Seeing a death and a resurrection in that process is seeing the death of duality and the birth of non duality. One is so the other can be. There is no bad or good. They only live in a ghost that wants you to think it is real.
Our suffering then is not what it seems. It is a doorway to so much more then what we can know. If we only think our suffering is what it appears to be then that is what it is. If we look past our suffering for something we don’t know, then we find something more then anything we could know and our life takes on a new meaning.
Owning a new meaning is not thinking it or understanding it. It is looking into the cancer that has invaded our body, searching for a meaning in the divorce of the one we love more than ourself, finding a purpose in all the pain and feelings of failure our addiction, in what ever form it comes to us in, brings us. It’s looking inside the part of us we are afraid of, ashamed of and/or want to hide to the world, that yields a treasure worth more then any amount of gold.
We all want to see ourself. Be it in a reflection of others or a mirror. God to wants to see himself. Love wants to know itself. That is why we are. We are so what is can be. In being we come to be one with ourself. Duality sees non-duality as the mirror sees past itself in the crack in the glass. That break in the glass is our suffering and when we look into it we see past the mirror.
The term “Lila” is one I reflect on often as I once heard it described as our lives are merely the dance of The Gods. They want to enjoy them self. At first it gave me a feeling of discontent and feeling trivialized.
“I think that God has a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find him laughing” Depeche Mode
I too will be laughing with him when I die because I can see all the love in my pain. He gives me that so I can awaken to him. The longer I push away the pain the more I feel it and think it. When I finally wake up to what he is telling me I then let go of what I think and look into life to see what it is telling me and I become more then anything I have ever known.
If we die, to the part of us that believes are fear is real, before we die, then we will never die.

Chapter Seven

“When one realizes the Self, in whom all life is one, changeless, nameless, formless, then one fears no more. Until we realize the unity of life, we live in fear.” Upanishads


We all have our own perception. By observing others perceptions we broaden our own. Everyone has something we can learn from and if we look at others in that light. We no longer have friends and enemies. The world is our teacher and God is the world.
“I say to you, love your enemies” Jesus, Matthew 5:44
The bible has many translations which implies that words are ambiguous. Love can have many meanings but If we look for a metaphor of what it implies we are not stuck in cage of I and them. If we instead see love as seeing ourself in our friend and our enemy that then gives us a completely different perspective. There is no you and me. Their is only one. We then accept and forgive, not because we agree or think we are better than someone. We can see our hope, joy, success, suffering, pain and fear in everyone. Things like hate are turned Into compassion because we allow ourself to see ourself in each other. We then have no enemies.
Sometimes we may see that with a clarity that can make us cry and other times we can feel lost in our mind and not see anything but our thinking that has a need and lives in our fear.
That place of despair is a pivotal point of letting go and seeing the reflection of our fear in us for what it really is. We can’t get past that fear. Though, that is deep in us until we get there. That is why our suffering will set us free.
We can’t choose our suffering or our cross to carry because that is our ego in a masochistic display that serves the mind that thinks and lives in fear. It’s the suffering that is not our choosing and that threatens our mind. It is that cross, we have to carry, that saves us.
It is the pause in that place of not knowing and not thinking over that the silence of no mind opens a door inside us to something more.
“Let go of what ever thought or idea you are holding of fear, hope, anxiety, desire, achieve or want. Let go and when you let go of all there is, step back. Go back from were ever you are in your mind. Go back. Go back till you come to the end. When you reach the end, step over the wall of something that holds you back and fall into nothing. See the illusion of something in nothing. Be nothing. Be now” TFG


I use to be crippled by fear and worry. Tomorrow was a fear I didn’t want to face. Today how ever I am not crippled in the cage of my mind that I use to be.
I look for a meaning in my pain, how ever it comes to me. I don’t lament on my pain and I don’t waste time explaining it to myself or others. I simply look past it and I do that in all the ways I have mentioned in this book.
My highs now are having a sense of accomplishment in walking through my pain. In discovering a way to grow by addressing my fear and not hiding from it.
I found something more then me walking into that fear and so can you.
I spend time routinely throughout the day calming my mind using different forms of mediation. Some days it’s listening to a song and other days it’s looking inside my mind. I look at the moment now in a completely different way then I was brought up to think it in.
I have moments when I’m scared and afraid but I don’t get lost in them now. I use the tools I’ve written about in this book to get a strength I never knew I had.
I’m okay today in this moment. I’m okay today even if I’m not okay and that to me is seeing life and myself in a new way.

“Born of moisture high in the sky, I soared over continents on the breath of a haze, as stars glittered and night began to fade.

I’ve seen breathtaking horizons as I fall, only to soar higher on the sigh of a sleeping volcanoes wall. I’ve danced on mountain peaks as wisps of air made steps for a staircase and a slide for me to climb, fall and glide

I’ve stood still with Eagles on the lip of a mountains draft as they guarded their claim. I’ve flown over valleys as wolves howled declaring their domain.

I’ve been so fortunate to be a flake of snow, watching life come and go.

As I see the flake I thought was me begin to melt. I know something I have only felt. The beautiful snowflake isn’t who I am or something I can show. It’s a reflection of life being what I can never know” TFG